Monday, February 10, 2014

The Beautiful Illusion

It's easy to post photos and status updates to make my life in Houston seem beautiful and easy.  As if living intentionally with six strangers in an unknown neighborhood surrounded by alcoholism and lack of resources is a walk in the park.

I can create a beautiful illusion, much like the faces we put on Sunday morning to convince everyone else, and ourselves, that we're actually really ok.

I'm not ok, and neither are you. Isn't that the point of grace?

I want to see the underside of life, the depth of my questions, doubt, conflicting beliefs, and seeking. And I want to see the real beauty within it. I want to have hard conversations with my housemates that make me face my own darkness, arrogance, and judgmentalism (but really, in the moment, I hate those conversations and everything in me revolts against them). I want to be challenged in my assumptions about people and places. I want to understand myself, accept myself as I am without feeling like I have to be anyone else or feel intimidated by someone else's qualities. I want to learn how to be in loud, noisy community without being completely irritated by it. I want to appreciate all the quirks of my housemates without feeling like I have to conform them to some standard I have put upon myself. I want to value diversity.

The first step to achieving those things is to recognize I want them.

This is the process.

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