A Prayer of Desperation

"Pray, not out of discipline but out of desperation." -Gary Haugen 

I am no better.
But I think I am healthier.
That doesn't make me more spiritual,
or closer to God.
Maybe it makes me more sick.
Forgive my pride and bitterness.
I can love those in and of the world.
I have a harder time loving my brothers and sisters,
those who claim to see
yet live as if they are blind.
Do I do that, Father?
Forgive me. Forgive me.

Help me to have grace
with others
with myself.
Help me to love when I feel so unloving.
Guide me by your Spirit.
Make me small and weak and humble.
Help me to fully live in each moment.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus of Nazareth 

Life abundantly right not,
in this moment.
Not a distant future,
or somewhere lost in the past,
but life now.
Life fully engulfed by God's Presence,
Now.
Help me to see, Lord.
Help me to live fully now.
To not waste time,
To not waste words,
To not waste resources.
To live fully. To be fully alive.

Overwhelm my soul with Your Presence.
Lead me, in every moment,
into deeper unity with Your Spirit, Your life force, Your heart.
Let my heart beat to the rhythm of Yours.
Teach me to dance to that rhythm.
Teach me to believe like a child.
Child-like faith.
Teach me to fall to my knees,
to draw in the sand,
to be less preoccupied,
to laugh more,
to enjoy more.
Feel deeply.
Love deeply.
To move with Your Spirit.
Like the wind.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit." -Jesus of Nazareth 

Teach me to be like your mother, Mary,
who treasured up all of these things in her heart.

Teach me to be like Mary Magdalene,
who stood by you,
wept at the cross,
believed Your resurrection when everyone else doubted.

Teach me to be like the one who dropped his stone first
and walked away.

Teach me to be like the child that sat on Your lap when You said,
"to such belongs the kingdom of God..."

Make me foolish enough to enter Your kingdom.
Make me contagious enough
to bring others with me.

Let Your joy and love exude from me.
Let Your fragrance emanate from my pores.
Wrap me in Your scent,
like I've been sleeping
in that shirt
you left at my house.

Let the words from my lips
be intriguing and edifying.
Keep me from speaking words that sting
and take dignity from Your children.

Use my words to build
and disarm
to protect
to provide
to engage
to edify

STOP ME FROM PURSUING ANYTHING BUT YOU

When the emotional storms rage
and serotonin
and melatonin
and endorphins
and neurons
are confused and dismayed,
keep my straying heart from straying,
stop its betraying.
Put a bridle
on this wild mind and heart.
Rein me in
to hear
the gentle
steady
beating
of Your pulse.
Cradle me on Your chest,
close to Your heart,
so I can feel Your warmth,
and lay all fears aside,
as I recognize
my Daddy.

Abba, Father,
forgive me,
for I know not what I do.

I know only
I once was blind,
and now I see.
Yet sometimes I cover my eyes
and pretend I live in darkness.
Sometimes it seems so much easier
than trying to think black and white,
like the churches teach me,
in this technicolor world.

Father God,
don't let me fool myself into thinking my absolute truths are absolutely true.
Don't let me compromise relationship
for my version of reality.
Don't let me compromise love
for my personal preferences.

Let me be a tree,
full of Your fruit,
roots grounded
in living water,
steady,
stable,
changing with the seasons,
bending with the Spirit's breeze.

Amen.