Something More Subtle Than Energy

“This is something more subtle than energy.

You can’t think your way to the heart.  The heart works by obedience.  Obedience is not knuckling under.  It comes from the Latin Ob Audire, “to listen deeply.”  The heart is the compass needle that always pulls North.  The heart tugs.  You begin to feel your heart pulling you.  So you can tell when you are on and off by a certain quality of aliveness.  As that pull to centre gets stronger so you are more reliably able to follow your true trajectory. “

-Cynthia Bourgeault 

I am afraid of my heart.

Like with every other area of my life, I walk a fine line between order and chaos. I have learned to toe both sides ever so gently in hopes of keeping my balance. Sometimes I jump to one side or the other just to see how it feels. Does the fire still burn?

My heart is a liar.

Loneliness settles in and my heart wants a lover.

Anger rages and my heart wants to defend.

Pride flares up and my heart won’t repent.

Bitterness poisons and my heart won’t let it go.

Yet, there is something else that flows through my veins,

a breeze,

a stream,

leading somewhere deeper than I can touch.

A whisper.

A caress.

“Delight yourself in the Lord,”

it says.

Fill yourself on His sweetness,

meditate on His goodness,

seek His beauty,

rest in His hands.

Then,

and only then,

“He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4