When you think you are strong, satan will attack with everything he has. He waited, waited until I was just tired enough, just weak enough, just exhausted enough from being so strong. He doesn’t attack like this often, but when he does, he really does.
Over the past month, I have been shrinking inside myself, playing with shadows of the person I used to be, the things I used to do, the chaos and darkness in which I used to exist.
I wanted to get in the car, buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke them with the windows down until I wound up somewhere without streetlights, without moonlight. Complete darkness. I wanted to be engulfed by the night, with everything that goes with it.
I wanted to give up.
I wanted darkness, like a junkie wants a fix.
I glanced at the keys on the counter.
It would be so easy. I (or something else) told myself.
You know people. You know who to go to. No one would have to know. Just drive.
I walked past, into my room, locking the door behind me.
I can’t do this.
I can’t be strong anymore.
Suddenly it hit, like waves, like an undercurrent, like being wrecked.
I wanted darkness. I wanted to get away from the light, from the truth I KNOW. I wanted to give up being strong, give up trying, and satiate this desire to return to chaos, self-destruction, emptiness. Darkness is easier. Forgetting is easier. You can lose yourself again. You don’t have to be strong anymore. It’s ok. Give up.
This moment will never end. I heard myself say.
This confusion is too overwhelming. The desire to give up is too strong.
I can’t take this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be strong.
I felt demons laughing over me, convincing me they had won. They had won. I was ready to let them win.
GOD HELP ME.
And, as I do when I can no longer hear my own thoughts, I put my finger in my Bible and opened to the first verse my eyes landed on.
And tears burning and piercing my eyes fell down my face as I read My Father’s words.
“Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you my be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” Ephesians 6:10-13
FOR AT ONE TIME YOU WERE DARKNESS, BUT NOW YOU ARE LIGHT IN THE LORD…TAKE NO PART IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EXPOSE THEM. Ephesians 5:8,11
And as my breathing returned to normal, my face red and puffy and still ridden with drying tears, I knew.
This is battling demons. This is being strong. This is overcoming.
The battle will come again. I will be attacked harder, fiercer, with more persistence.
But I AM NOT DARKNESS. I am Light in the Lord.
And He will fight my battles. And He will win. He will always win.
And while I do not want to share this, for fear of judgment, others’ opinions, and the shame that comes along with not being perfect, I know the only way to expose darkness is to bring it into the light. Darkness has no power in light.
And I refuse to chain myself up again. Because Christ has set me FREE.